A Few Thoughts on What it Means to be Mentally Ill in America

Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. Many people in my network were sharing their experiences with anxiety, OCD, and depression. It was great to hear them speak out because I am a firm proponent of normalizing what is normal. One in four people have a mental illness, so it's definitely "normal."

However, I am part of the one percent of the population that has bipolar disorder. Bipolar, being something a bit less common than anxiety or depression, is often further stigmatized. As the late Carrie Fisher put it, "It's kind of a virus of the brain that makes you very fast, or very sad. Or both." It's something that affects every aspect of my life. As an activist, I've chosen to speak out about my illness before. Unfortunately, making my illness public information has been used against me and I am sure it will continue to come up further into my career. That's one of the reservations I have toward "talking about it."

Yesterday I saw my peers and colleagues sharing their stories. They encouraged folks to get help if they feel similarly or are going through a tough time of their own. This really is great advice. So many times I've seen some of my closest friends suffering, knowing how easy it can be for them to get help. Depression, anxiety,  among a few other mental illnesses, can be so easy to treat. SSRIs are cheap and most physicians prescribe them.

However, major mental illnesses are a bit different. Most of the time mood stabilizers or antipsychotics are prescribed. These drugs are not only hard on your body, but incredibly price gouged. Abilify without insurance is well over 700 dollars. Lithium is much cheaper due to being on the market longer, but it requires blood testing every few months. Medication isn't even a "fix." It's more of a step that allows patients to get to a functional baseline. Uninsured, mental health care can have several barriers to care.

Recently, I heard Andy Slavitt, who oversaw Medicaid, Medicare, the Children’s Health Insurance Program and the Health Insurance Marketplace programs under President Obama, speak on this issue. He mentioned homeless people visiting the ER often because of lack of care. This is something that doesn't only affect homeless people. While I understand they are a much more vulnerable population, this is an issue that affects too many uninsured Americans with major illnesses.

I have had this experience. A few weeks ago I chose to use alcohol to self-medicate my anxiety and bipolar symptoms. I ended the night in the ER. I chose to listen to the police and medics and take an ambulance ride to the hospital because I didn't want to be involuntarily committed for not cooperating. I ended up being released within six hours due to my suicidal thoughts being considered "passive." Even though all I did was hang out in the ER for six hours, the bill ended up being well over six thousand dollars, with financial assistance. As a student who works freelance on political campaigns, I have no idea how I am going to pay for this. I cannot afford to be insured. I have no idea how to pay for a psychiatrist. I have to idea how to afford the medication that I desperately need.

Sometimes the option to "get help" isn't there. A lot of people I know don't understand this. My friends in states that expanded Medicaid like Maryland and California don't understand that we do not have similar resources in Texas. Texans don't understand that our resources are inadequate and essentially do not exist unless you qualify for disability. The system is broken.

While the ACA was a good starting line, we need to continue calling our senators to protect it. We must advocate for a healthcare for all system. Even if you're covered, others are not. Advocate for your fellow Americans because healthcare is a human right.

I'm Sorry.

This weekend I said sent something terrible to someone. I didn't know that I personally sent it to them, but regardless it was insensitive, trashy, and inappropriate on every level. The person I messaged was rightfully offended by this remark and immediately went to twitter to expose the situation. 

Another friend who was involved called me to inform me about what was going down. I checked facebook to find my friend messaging the victim "his version" of what had happened. I read some of his apology and some things had been embellished. Since we were both in flight mode, we resorted to facts trying to avoid the shame. I think I also tried to blame what I said on humor. There was nothing funny about what I said, and as a person whos passion is comedy, I am deeply ashamed that I used that as an excuse. My friend and I both made the situation worse by making each other look bad. I never denied the blame, but I didn't want to accept the shame. 

I slept on the problem (or at least tried to) overnight and got the facts straight in my head:

I messaged a talented person a mean question about a tragedy regarding his father. 

I was hanging out with friends and the mention to this tragedy had come up two different times in our conversations. My friend sent me the link to the victim's facebook, and I immediately assumed it was fake. Since my friend is notoriously famous for adding me to facebook conversations with fake celebrities, I added him and typed out something another friend had said. I didn't even know what I was referencing. Our friend hadn't worded a question about the victim in the best way, so we were laughing about it and that's what I typed. I sent it to the actual person.

(Even right now, I shouldn't be "stating the facts." I have no grounds to defend myself, but it does help me feel better to get this off my chest.)

That being said, I still said it to a real person. I didn't know it was a real person, but even if it was, it should have never been said in a joking context at all. The tragedy I referenced was terrible. I have now read about it and I feel sick knowing that I said something in very poor taste about it. I do not think it's funny to make light of any tragedy. I am definitely not that type of person. What I said was insensitive and was in no way a "joke" to anyone involved in the facebook chat. 

I rewrote my apology and although it wasn't exactly perfect, the person I messaged graciously accepted it. 

Apologies do not belong to you. They are shamefully admitting to your mistakes and showing non-selfish remorse. I am thankful my apology was accepted. 

I also learned some valuable lessons in not only hurtful words and apologies, but what you choose to type and send on the Internet. The Internet can be a great tool to reach out to people and express yourself on, while also being an easy platform to make a fool out of yourself. Always be very self aware of what you choose to post or send. Additionally, never mistake being snide or disrespectful as being funny. 

This experience felt horrible, and rightfully so. However, an apology is a graceful notion to move on. I will attempt to move on knowing that a real joke is something more than a thoughtless, mean, message. 

Thank you for accepting my apology, Max. 

Mid Spring Catch Up

Hey, everyone! And by everyone I mean the two people who might click the link to this post once I post it on twitter...

I haven't made a post on here in a while. Since I've been gone I saw Kinky Boots at Dallas Summer Musicals, went down to Austin for SXSW, checked out a few films at the Dallas International Film Festival, and scored some awesome finds at Record Store Day. (Oh, and I went to Memphis for a weekend.)

So much material to blog about, but I just always forget!

Here are some highlights:

I met Craig Roberts at the SXSW premiere of his film Just Jim. It's a VERY impressive directorial debut. I think it comes out in September. I have no idea if it's getting a theatrical release over here, but definitely look for it on VOD sometime next Fall. You can read my review on my letterboxd. Seriously, it might make my top 20 list this year!

I also met David Gordon Green at the screening of his film Manglehorn. He was great! I didn't honestly love Manglehorn as much as his other work (like Prince Avalanche), but it was still very good. It's filmed around Austin, so I loved recognizing the locations. Also, Harmony Korine gives a really great performance, which was unexpected.

(Side note: David Gordon Green is directing a really rad Amazon series this Summer titled, Red Oaks. It's like a preppy Freaks and Geeks and Craig Roberts stars. The pilot is free to watch on Amazon so please check it out and look out for Red Oaks when Amazon releases it (probably?) this Fall.)

I braved the crowds for Record Store Day and managed to grab copies of The Darjeeling Limited and Hedwig and the Angry Inch on vinyl. It was crazy. There were so many people in the store and a lot of stuff was gone even though the store had just opened. (Kind of like Lilly for Target haha!) There were a couple items I wanted that were already sold out, but I'm happy with what I got. Isn't the green vinyl beautiful?

Memphis was fun. We drove by Graceland and walked around downtown. I was surprised how different Tennessee was from Texas. I think Tennessee is what people expect Texas to be like, but it's totally different. Even their barbeque is different! Unlike Texas, all their meat is pork. In Texas we stay kosher and everything is beef. I did try some pork dry rub ribs at Corky's though, and they were delicious! If you're ever in Memphis then you definitely have gotta check this place out.

Anyway, I think this is all I'm going to write for my recap. Hopefully I remember to keep updating this blog. I'll try!

We Love You, Harris.

I've been feeling a lot of things since I found out Harris Wittels passed away last Thursday. I've mostly been feeling sad. Very sad. I have been a follower of Harris' work for years. He wrote for some of my favorite shows (The Sarah Silverman Program, Parks and Recreation) and was a guest on many podcasts that I frequently listen to. In fact, I was listening to his most recent Comedy Bang! Bang! appearance when my friend broke the news to me.

I was immediately devastated, but my feelings were confusing. I felt like I had lost a best friend, but I never even knew Harris. I just knew him from twitter and podcasts. This is one reason I felt like I had lost a friend; podcasts are an intimate medium. Especially comedy podcasts. They're generally pretty relaxed and fun. It's a lot like revisiting your high school lunch table where you could sit back and listen to your friends riff the funniest bits. Harris was so candid in podcasts, so he wasn't exactly a "stranger". He was so open on every podcast he was on and he came off as a genuinely funny and likable lovable person.  It's awful when someone who is just obviously just a joy to know or listen to dies. I didn't personally know him, but his silly humor in his work and his funny insights brought a lot of laughter into my life. I believe that's the greatest job anyone can have. Making someone laugh. And Harris did that. A lot.

To tell the truth, he was an inspiration to me. At a relatively young age, I realized that I wanted to be a comedy writer. Parks and Recreation was one of the shows that helped me realize that. Harris helped me realized that a goofy kid like me from Texas could do that. It really hurts to lose someone you look up to so much. I am inspired by lot of people in the comedy community, but Harris was special. He wrote for one of my all time favorite shows, he was one of my favorite people to listen to on podcasts, and he was just a great person.

It's okay that his passing has affected me as much as it has. I've been battling these feelings all week, but with a little help from the Earwolf community, I finally decided they're okay.
If you don't know who Harris Wittels was, I beg you to do a simple google search of his name. Read his tweets, listen to podcasts, laugh...
Because "Motherfuckers wanna laugh".

I love you, Harris.

Reflection on SNL 40

Last week I promised a review on the Saturday Night Live 40th Anniversary Special and I have been struggling on what to write. I'm just not a great critic. I mean, check my letterboxd. I can tell you if I liked something or not and I can give you reasons why I feel that way, but I can't write coherent reviews. 

Long story short, I adored the special and if you're a fan of the show, I really encourage you to find two and a half hours to sit down and watch it.

The special really made me reflect on how much Saturday Night Live has effected my life. I haven’t really written a great “About Me” page for this blog, but it should be noted that comedy is one of my biggest passions. I might be a prep, but I am a total comedy nerd. And like many comedy nerds before me, I credit Saturday Night Live as my gateway to comedy. 

Dave Chappelle stated, "I've never lived in a world without Saturday Night Live.”

I know this to be true. I remember watching the show when I was younger. I would stay up late and in between commercial breaks I would change the channel to MADtv. I remember doing this at my grandma’s house in 2000, but I have several memories of staying up with my Dad and doing the same at our house. My first memories of using YouTube was my Dad showing me classic SNL sketches such as James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub, Land Shark, and Steve Martin’s King Tut.

I was always one of those kids who would memorize SNL bits from Saturday’s episode and retell them Monday at school. Even in high school and middle school, I got my current events for history class from Weekend Update.

Another show that had a huge impact on me was 30 Rock. I watched the show as it aired, so watching 30 Rock in my formative pre-teen and teenage years made a huge impression on me. 30 Rock really encouraged me to be myself. I admired how Tina Fey’s character, Liz Lemon, was always true to herself and didn't care what anybody thought. The quirky humor of 30 Rock influenced the alternative sense of humor I have today. 30 Rock encouraged to try improv which was probably one of the most important moments of my life. I remember realizing what a joy it was to make people laugh and that’s when I knew what I wanted to do in life.

I feel like I owe a huge thank you to Lorne Michaels for creating such an amazing institution for American comedy. He's a mad genius who has changed so many lives. 

I could probably write pages and pages expressing my love for Saturday Night Live and all the amazing people who have been a part of it. My childhood dream was always to share the stage that my heroes from Gilda Radner to Tina Fey graced. Maybe someday that dream will come true. Until then, I will keep staying up on Saturday nights to watch the show that has shaped my life.